· · ·
turning to page one
turning to page one
Kaufman and Donald speed along the swamp road.
KAUFMAN
For Christ's sake, why didn't you do
something while we were in the car?
DONALD
My back had seized. I couldn't move.
Laroche's van pulls close to them and rams them from behind.
KAUFMAN
Shit!
It rams them again, this time sending them down into the swamp. The van stops. Donald tries to back the car onto the road; the wheels just spin. Laroche steps out of the van.
DONALD
We've gotta ditch this thing.
KAUFMAN
(hysterical)
It's a rental! It's a rental!
DONALD
Now!
Kaufman and Donald climb from the car, make their way deep into the swamp. Laroche follows them in on foot, dragging Orlean, who is admiring all the plant life.
ORLEAN
That's beautiful! What's that, Johnny?
What's that one called? I just so want
to fuck that flower, don't you?
LAROCHE
Asclepias lanceolata. Red milkweed.
Extremely fuckable. But we don't have
time.
Laroche shoots at the brothers. Kaufman whines.
LAROCHE
(to Orlean)
What's his name?
ORLEAN
Um, y'know... Charlie or something.
LAROCHE
Charlie! Listen, let's talk! This pie
is big enough for four people!
(to Orlean)
Why are there two of him?
Orlean shrugs.
ORLEAN
Identical twigs?
(laughs crazily)
Did I say twigs? I meant twins.
Kaufman and Donald run through a colony of sawgrass. It slices them like razor blades. Kaufman yells in pain. Blood
LAROCHE
Cladium jamaicense, guys. Sawgrass. You
want to watch out for that. That's some
evil shit. Cut you up.
KAUFMAN
Fuck you, Laroche!
LAROCHE
Just tryin' to be helpful. Walk with us
and I'll be sure you avoid all the
pitfalls. I know these swamps forwards
and backwards. There's alligators and
poisonous snakes, fellas. Wild hogs.
Kaufman and Donald are stopped by a large body of water. Nowhere to go. Laroche and Orlean close in. The brothers run along the periphery of the lake. Donald stops.
DONALD
Wait. Do you hear something?
Kaufman stops, hears a distant galloping and squealing.
KAUFMAN
Donald, that sounds bad.
The brothers run in the opposite direction. The galloping gets louder. It's wild pigs. Donald spots an airboat on the shore. They jump onto it, search hysterically in the dark for bow to start it. The pigs get closer. Laroche and Orlean get closer. Donald finds a button, presses it, the engine starts. They pull away from the shore just as the pigs catch up. One pig leaps on board, squealing. Kaufman kicks at it as Donald attempts to steer the boat. A kick connects and the pig flies into the water.
CONTINUED: (2)
Laroche stands at the shoreline and fires his rifle. It nicks the boat. Donald looks back and the boat heads for a cypress stand.
KAUFMAN
Watch out, watch out, watch out!
Donald gets the boat back on course. Laroche and Orlean have been left far behind. Donald slows the boat.
DONALD
I think we're okay.
Suddenly Laroche's van comes tearing around a corner and speeds along the road at the water's edge. Orlean shoots at the boat from the van window.
DONALD (cont'd)
Hold on!
Donald speeds up. The van keeps up, the shooting continues. Bullets whiz. Kaufman puts his head in his hands. A bullet hits the airboat's gas tank. It explodes in a ball of flame, illuminating the whole swamp. Kaufman and Donald are thrown, along with flaming pieces of debris. Donald treads water, looks all around for Kaufman.
DONALD (cont'd)
Charles?! Charles?! Where are you?
Underwater. A dazed Kaufman tries to get his bearings. The murky lake bottom is lit a dim orange by the fire on the surface. An alligator appears. Kaufman panics, surfaces.
On the surface, Donald spots Kaufman pop out of the water, then get jerked back down. Donald dives.
Underwater. The alligator violently shakes Kaufman by the leg. Donald surfaces, comes back down with a broken propeller blade. He hacks the alligator's head off, grabs Kaufman, and brings him to the surface.
Donald swims to shore with Kaufman in tow. Another shot is fired. It skims the water near Kaufman.
KAUFMAN
Fuck! Fuck, Donald, we're dead.
DONALD
We're okay. How's your leg?
KAUFMAN
I don't know. How's your back.
CONTINUED: (3)
DONALD
It's fine. My back is fine.
Laroche and Orlean circle the lake in the van, shooting.
Mike Owen, in pajamas, leaves his house, jumps in his truck and agitatedly drives toward the noise and flames.
Donald makes it to shore. He climbs out and is helping Kaufman, when he gets hit by a bullet and falls.
KAUFMAN
Donald!
Kaufman sloshes to shore. His right leg is bloody and mangled. He lifts his brother's head onto his lap.
KAUFMAN
You're gonna be okay.
DONALD
No. But don't let them get you, too.
(weak smile)
You got a fucking awesome third act.
KAUFMAN
(crying)
Donald, this is an awful, bizarre thing
to say and an awful time to say it, but
I'm sorry I didn't get to know you
better. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
DONALD
It's really... You've been really nice.
KAUFMAN
See, it's just I thought I knew you
already. I thought you were me. And I
hated me.
Donald touches Kaufman's face. Kaufman looks at his brother. Donald's face glows radiantly in the fire light.
DONALD
Well, don't do that anymore. Okay?
KAUFMAN
Okay.
Donald dies. Kaufman screams heavenward. The van appears out of the bush, barreling for them. Kaufman rolls his brother out of the way, and limps off into a slough. The van follows, smashes into a tree, and comes to a halt.
CONTINUED: (4)
Smoke pours from the grill and is lit by the headlights. Out of the smoke, Laroche and Orlean appear with guns. They follow Kaufman into the swamp.
Mike Owen pulls next to the disabled van. He gets out, surveys the mess, sees bloody Donald on the ground.
MIKE OWEN
Jesus, that writer guy.
Owen grabs his C.B., tries to radio for help. It's broken. He lifts Donald into the back of the truck and speeds off.
Kaufman limps through the dark water. Laroche and Orlean follow the sound of his sloshing.
ORLEAN
Water sounds so sparkly. Like lemon
plastic jewels plopping onto a silver
trampoline! Dontcha think?
LAROCHE
Darlin', please.
ORLEAN
Can we fuck now, baby? Fuck like lemons?
Owen tears along the dirt road. Up ahead, Kaufman limps out of the swamp, into the truck's headlights. Owen is confused. He checks the back to see if Donald's body is still there and skids off the road into the swamp. Kaufman hurriedly limps over to the disabled truck. Owen climbs out.
KAUFMAN
You gotta help me. You gotta help me.
MIKE OWEN
What the hell is going on here?
KAUFMAN
They're after me. They've got guns.
They killed my brother.
MIKE OWEN
Who's got guns? What are you --
Before Owen finishes, his truck is flipped over. Donald's body flies into the water. There, staring Kaufman and Owen down, is a giant man-like beast. It's repulsive, covered in algae-matted fur.
MIKE OWEN (cont'd)
Holy shit.
CONTINUED: (5)
The two men turn and run.
MIKE OWEN (cont'd)
It's real! I can't believe it, I never --
The creature grabs Owen and snaps his neck like a toothpick. Kaufman screams as he runs, watches over his shoulder. He runs right into the arms of Orlean.
ORLEAN
Hey, it's the screenwriter!
KAUFMAN
There's a thing back there! You don't
want to be here.
Kaufman, Orlean, and Laroche look back. Nothing there.
LAROCHE
You're right, I don't want to be here.
I'm tired, let's get this over with.
Laroche puts the gun to Kaufman's head. Kaufman tenses. Orlean studies Laroche's gun. Her nose is practically touching the barrel.
ORLEAN
I love your gun, baby. Can we trade?
LAROCHE
Stand back, sweetness.
Laroche reaches for Orlean's arm to pull her away. Suddenly the creature grabs Laroche, pulls him into the swamp.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Susie! Susie!
Orlean looks around.
ORLEAN
Where'd Johnny go?
LAROCHE (O.S.)
Susie!
Orlean, agitated and disoriented, fires repeatedly into the darkness. Something slumps forward in the water. Orlean steps cautiously over, keeping her gun on Kaufman. The creature is dead, so is Laroche.
CONTINUED: (6)
ORLEAN
(crying softly)
Oh, Johnny.
She sits next to Laroche and pets his head. Kaufman watches her. The sun is coming up.
KAUFMAN
I'd just stare at your picture, and you
looked so sweet. I read your words and I
thought you were smart and maybe lost and
lonely like me. And the way you wrote
about Laroche. You said he was handsome
even though he had no front teeth --
ORLEAN
Oh, Johnny. Johnny's teeth. Oh...
KAUFMAN
I figured you could look at me and see
something, even with all my flaws you
could look at me and find something, you
could maybe someday write a description
of me that would be nicer than the one I
write day in and day out in my head.
(hopefully)
Would it be?
Kaufman takes Orlean's chin in his hand and directs her gaze to him. She stares at him for a long while, then:
ORLEAN
You're really so wonderful.
KAUFMAN
Really?
ORLEAN
So wonderful. I can see inside your
soul. It glows with orange sadness.
It's raining inside you. I want to run
through your dripply dripples. It's so
beautiful. I love you. I do.
Kaufman lets go of her face and sits on a rock.
KAUFMAN
It's the drugs.
Orlean stands and walks toward Kaufman.
CONTINUED: (7)
ORLEAN
No, it's me. It's the real me. Look at
you. I just want to hold you and -- Oh,
crap, it's wearing off. Crap!
She paces, unfolds her little square of paper.
ORLEAN (cont'd)
I'm out. I'm fucking cleaned out.
Kaufman watches her for a moment.
KAUFMAN
Okay, bye.
ORLEAN
I can't let you go, fatty. I can't let
you make this public.
Kaufman keeps walking.
ORLEAN (cont'd)
You hear me? You pathetic, fat, bald...
You don't even know how to write! You're
not even... You're not leaving here!
(screaming, crying)
I need a fix! Everything's so ugly!
Orlean screams in anguish. Kaufman keeps walking. Orlean shakily aims the gun at his back. She shoots. Kaufman falls, gets up, keeps walking. She aims again through her tears. Suddenly she's pounced on by a bloody, soaking wet figure. Kaufman turns.
KAUFMAN
Donald!
Kaufman limps back. Donald and Orlean roll on the ground.
DONALD
My brother is not fat. He's not bald.
My brother is a great writer! He was
trying to do something important!
The gun fires. Orlean slumps over Donald. Kaufman arrives. Both Donald and Orlean are dead. Kaufman falls to his knees.