· · ·

2INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - MORNING

SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CA, FOUR BILLION AND FORTY YEARS LATER

Beamed ceilings and ostentatious fireplace. A few birthday cards on the mantel, two of them identical: "To Our Dear Son on His Fortieth Birthday." Charlie Kaufman, a fat, balding man in a purple sweater with tags still attached, paces the room. His incantational voice-over carpets the scene.

KAUFMAN (V.O.)

I am old. I am fat. I am bald. My

toenails have turned strange. I am

repulsive. How repulsive? I don't know

for I suffer from a condition called Body

Dysmorphic Disorder. I am fat, but am I

as fat as I think? My therapist says no,

but people lie. I believe others call me

Fatty behind my back. Or Fatso. Or,

facetiously, Slim. But I also believe

this is simply my own perverted form of

self-aggrandizement, that no one really

talks about me at all. What possible

interest is an old, bald, fat man to

anyone? I am repulsive. I have never

lived. I blame myself. I --