· · ·
turning to page one
turning to page one
Kaufman sits with his agent Jerry in a glass-walled office.
KAUFMAN
I don't know how to adapt this. I
should've just stuck with my own stuff.
I don't know why I thought I could --
JERRY
See her? I fucked her up the ass.
Jerry waves at a passing beauty. She waves back, keeps walking. Kaufman follows the girl's ass with his eyes.
JERRY
Just kidding. Hey, maybe I can help.
What's the problem, buddy?
Kaufman looks at Jerry. Will he accept help from an agent?
KAUFMAN
It's about flowers.
JERRY
It's not only about flowers. It's got
that crazy plant nut guy. He's funny,
right?
Kaufman pulls out a folded newspaper clipping, reads:
KAUFMAN
"There is not nearly enough of him to
fill a book," blah blah blah, so Orlean
"digresses in long passes" blah blah blah
"no narrative really unites these
passages." Blah blah blah blah blah.
(looking up defiantly)
New York Times Book Review. I can't
structure this. It's that sprawling New
Yorker shit.
Jerry gets distracted by another sexy woman walking by.
JERRY
Oh man. I'd fuck her up the ass.
KAUFMAN
There's no story. The book has no story.
JERRY
So make one up. The book's a jumping off
point. No one in town can make up a
crazy story like you. You're the king.
KAUFMAN
I didn't want to do that this time. It's
someone else's material. I have a
responsibility... Anyway, I wanted to
grow as a writer, do something profound
and simple. Show people how amazing
flowers are.
JERRY
Are they amazing?
KAUFMAN
I don't know. I think they are.
JERRY
Look, what I tell a lot of guys is pick
another film and use it as a model. I
always thought this one could be like
Apocalypse Now. The journalist spends
the whole movie searching for the crazy
plant nut guy -- what's his name?
KAUFMAN
John Laroche.
JERRY
She has to travel deep into the darkest
swamps to find the mysterious "Laroche."
KAUFMAN
I need you to get me out of this.
JERRY
Charlie, at the end of the day, I think
it would be a terrible career move.
MONTAGE
Jumble of images: Laroche talking, flowers, Indians, Orlean, the trial. The rapid fire click-click of typing.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Okay, okay, we open with Laroche. He's
funny. Okay, he says, okay, he says, I
love to mutate plants, he says, mutation
is fun... Okay, we show flowers and,
okay, we have to have the court case.
Okay we show Laroche, okay, he says, I
was mutated as baby, that's why I'm so
smart...that's funny. Okay we open at
the beginning of time...no, okay, we open
with Laroche driving into the swamp...