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turning to page one
turning to page one
Kaufman, wearing his purple sweater sans tags, sits with Valerie, an attractive woman in wire-rim glasses. They pick at salads. Kaufman steals glances at her lips, her hair, her breasts. She looks up at him. He blanches, looks away.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I'm old. I'm bald. I'm repulsive.
VALERIE
We think you're just great.
KAUFMAN
(with studied modesty)
Oh, thank you.
Valerie absently rubs her nose. Kaufman self-consciously rubs his nose in response.
VALERIE
And we're thrilled you're interested.
Valerie rubs her nose again. Kaufman pulls at his nostril. A rivulet of sweat slides down his forehead. Valerie watches it. Kaufman sees her watching it. She sees him seeing her watching it. She looks at her salad. He quickly swabs.
KAUFMAN
Oh, thanks, wow. That's nice to hear.
VALERIE
You have a really unique voice.
KAUFMAN
Well, thanks. That's... I appreciate
that.
VALERIE
Very talented. Really.
KAUFMAN
Thanks. Thank you. Thanks.
VALERIE
(looking up)
So --
Kaufman's brow is dripping again. He smiles, embarrassed.
KAUFMAN
Sort of hot in here.
VALERIE
(kindly)
Yeah, it is a bit. So, why don't you
tell me your thoughts on this crazy
little project of ours.
In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.
KAUFMAN
First, I think it's a great book.
CONTINUED: (2)
VALERIE
Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?
Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. There's a smiling author photo of Susan Orlean on the inside back cover.
KAUFMAN
And Orlean makes orchids so fascinating.
Plus her musings on Florida, orchid
poaching. Indians. Great, sprawling New
Yorker stuff. I'd want to remain true to
that, let the movie exist rather than be
artificially plot driven.
VALERIE
Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not
exactly sure what that means.
KAUFMAN
Oh. Well... I'm not sure exactly yet
either. So... y'know, it's...
VALERIE
Oh. Okay. Great. So, um, what --
KAUFMAN
It's just, I don't want to compromise by
making it a Hollywood product. An orchid
heist movie. Or changing the orchids
into poppies and turning it into a movie
about drug running. Y'know?
VALERIE
Oh, of course. We agree. Definitely.
KAUFMAN
Or cramming in sex, or car chases, or
guns. Or characters learning profound
life lessons. Or characters growing or
characters changing or characters
learning to like each other or characters
overcoming obstacles to succeed in the
end. Y'know? Movie shit.
Kaufman is sweating like crazy now. Valerie is quiet for a moment.
VALERIE
See, we thought maybe Susan Orlean and
Laroche could fall in love during the
course of --
CONTINUED: (3)
KAUFMAN
Alienated journalist writes about
passionate backwoods guy and he teaches
her to love. I mean, it didn't happen,
it wouldn't happen. It's Hollywood.