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turning to page one
Stevens is at his desk, paperwork piled high. There's a knock at the door.
THADDEUS STEVENS
It opens!
A nervous man enters hesitantly: Alexander Coffroth.
Stevens glares at him with what looks like horror. Coffroth's frightened smile transforms into a rictus of pain. Then:
THADDEUS STEVENS (CONT'D)
You are Canfrey?
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
Coffroth, Mr. Stevens, Alexander
Coffroth, I'm, I'm -
THADDEUS STEVENS
(SKEPTICAL)
Are we representatives of the same
state?
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
Y-yes sir! We sit only three desks
apart -
Stevens waves him into a chair.
THADDEUS STEVENS
I haven't noticed you. I'm a
Republican, and you, Coughdrop, are
a Democrat?
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
Well, I... Um, that is to say... I -
THADDEUS STEVENS
The modern travesty of Thomas
Jefferson's political organization
to which you have attached yourself
like a barnacle has the effrontery
to call itself The Democratic
Party. You are a Dem-o-crat. What's
the matter with you? Are you
wicked?
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
Well, I felt, um, formerly, I -
THADDEUS STEVENS
Never mind, Coffsnot. You were
ignominiously trounced at the
hustings in November's election by
your worthy challenger, a
republican -
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
No, sir, I was not, um, trounced!
Uh, he wants to steal my seat! I
THADDEUS STEVENS
What difference does it make if you
lost or not?! The governor of our
state, is...? A Democrat?
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
No, he's a...
(baffled, terrified:)
A, um, a Ruh...
THADDEUS STEVENS
Re.
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
Re.
THADDEUS STEVENS
(NODS)
Pub.
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
Pub.
THADDEUS STEVENS
Li.
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
Li.
THADDEUS STEVENS
Can.
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
Can.
Republican.
THADDEUS STEVENS
I know what he is. This is a
rhetorical exercise. And Congress
is controlled by what party? Yours?
Coffroth doesn't know whether to answer. He shakes his head.
THADDEUS STEVENS (CONT'D)
Your party was beaten, your
challenger's party now controls the
House, and hence the House
Committee on Elections, so you have
been beaten. You shall shortly be
sent home in disgrace. Unless.
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
I know what I must do, sir! I will
immediately become a Republican and
vote yes for -
THADDEUS STEVENS
NO! Coffroth will vote yes but
Coffroth will remain a Democrat
until after he does so.
ALEXANDER COFFROTH
Why wait to switch? I'm happy to
switch -
THADDEUS STEVENS
We want to show the amendment has
bipartisan support, you idiot.
Early in the next Congress, when I
tell you to do so, you will switch
parties. Now congratulations on
your victory, and get out.