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turning to page one
turning to page one
Pub crowded, as it’s Sunday. PADRAIC at bar, back to entrance, talking to GERRY & JONJO, as COLM comes in & slowly crosses to them.
GERRY & JONJO see him first, & from their scared reactions, PADRAIC knows COLM has entered, as COLM slowly comes up over his shoulder... then stands at the bar beside him.
JONJO *
Um... pint, Colm? *
Worried, Jonjo pours the pint. *
COLM
(to PADRAIC) *
If you don’t stop talking to me, and if
you don’t stop bothering me, or sending
your sister or your priest to bother me...
PADRAIC
I didn’t send me sister to bother you,
did I, she has her own mind, although
I did send the priest though, you have
me there.
COLM
What I’ve decided to do is this. I have
a set of shears at home, and each time
you bother me from this day on, I will *
take those shears and I’ll take one of *
me fingers off with them, and I will *
give that finger to ya, a finger from
me left hand, me fiddle hand, and each
day you bother me more, another I’ll
take off and I’ll give you, until you
see sense enough to stop, or until I’ve
no fingers left. Does this make things
clearer to you?
PADRAIC
Not really, no!
COLM
Because I don’t want to hurt your
feelings, Padraic. I don’t, like. But
it feels like the drastic is the only
option left open to me.
PADRAIC
You’ve loads of options left open to
ya! How is fingers the first port of
call?!
COLM
Please don’t talk to me no more, Padraic.
Please, Padraic. I’m begging you.
PADRAIC
(pause)
But...
JONJO
Shush, like, Padraic. Just, y’know,
shush, like...
GERRY
Yeah, I’d shush, like.
PADRAIC
I will shush...
(pause)
Except... me and me sister were
thinking you might just be a bit
depressed, Colm. And, I’ll tell you
this much, fingers just confirms it!
(pause)
Don’t you think, Colm?
COLM
(pause)
Starting from now.
He’s serious. He holds up the five fingers of his left hand, then puts a finger to his lips. PADRAIC wants to say something more but can’t, accepting it, perhaps with a nod, & perhaps COLM nods too. COLM drinks the whole of his pint in one, & exits the bar, leaving PADRAIC, GERRY & JONJO stunned.
JONJO
Well I’ve never heard the like!
GERRY
I’ve never heard the like! He must
really not like ya, Padraic.
JONJO
Fingers!
PADRAIC
Jesus! He’s serious, lads.
JONJO
He is serious. You can see it in his *
eyes he’s serious.
GERRY
Just because he thinks you’re dull?
Sure, that’s going overboard.
PADRAIC
Who told you about the dull?
GERRY points at JONJO.
JONJO
Well I overheard it, like. What was I
supposed to do? I don’t think you’re
dull. Jeez, and if I cut something off
meself for every dull person who comes
in here, I’d only have me head left!
PADRAIC
Do you think I’m dull, Gerry?
GERRY
(slight pause)
No.
(pause)
That said... I did think the two of ye
always made a funny pairing, like.
PADRAIC
No we didn’t.
JONJO
Yeah ye did...
GERRY
Yeah ye did. Obviously ye did, cos now
he’d rather maim himself than talk to ya.
JONJO
Colm was always more of a thinker.
PADRAIC
Hah?! Why’s every...? I think!
JONJO
Ah you don’t, Padraic.
GERRY
You don’t, Padraic.
JONJO
Your sister does.
GERRY
Your sister does, aye, Siobhan does.
JONJO
You’re more of a...
GERRY
Yeah, you’re more of a... What is he? *
He looks at them both, lost, desperate.
JONJO
You’re more one of life’s good guys.
GERRY
You’re more one of life’s good guys,
aye. Apart from when you’re drunk.
JONJO
Apart from when you’re drunk, aye.
They nod in agreement.
PADRAIC
I used to think that’d be a nice thing to
be, one of life’s good guys. Now it
sounds like the worst thing I ever heard.
JONJO
Ah don’t take it like that, Padraic.
GERRY
Don’t take it like that, Padraic. We’re
on your side.
PADRAIC looks at them again, broken, sips a bit of his pint, then leaves the half of it and exits the pub. And the leaving half of it strikes the men as very strange.