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turning to page one
turning to page one
Randall, Kate, Adul, Chief Editor Paula Woods and the Herald’s MEDIA QUANT go through the numbers on a giant computer screen.
MEDIA QUANT
You can see this spike here is when
Riley Bina asked to take DJ Chello
back on the segment before you. We
saw engagement across all social
media platforms.
RANDALL
What about our story?
MEDIA QUANT
Randall and Kate your TV appearance
got some nice traffic when Ms.
Dibiasky cursed. But unfortunately
there was an immediate backlash
that quickly became a meme...
Screen shows VT of Kate next to Charles Manson reading, “CRAZY. It’s all in the eyes.” Another meme of Kate’s deformed face looking like a monster.
KATE
Jesus. They just think I’m crazy.
RANDALL
I mean look at that. That’s so
unnecessary.
Another meme of Kate screaming paired with a wet cat.
CHIEF EDITOR PAULA WOODS
You can move on.
RANDALL
Is that even allowed?
Another meme of Kate eating a baby, captioned, “Delicious!”
RANDALL (CONT'D)
I think that’s photo shop Kate.
MEDIA QUANT
Dr. Mindy on the other hand had
very high favorables. VeganBabe
wrote “Meooow. Me likey hunky Star
Man” Some accounts called him “The
Bedroom Eyes Doomsday Prophet” and
“A.I.L.F.” which means “Astronomer
I’d Like to Fuck.”
RANDALL
I don’t see what that has to do
with anything.
MEDIA QUANT
Annnd that’s everything. We did not
feature or push on any sites. And
clicks overall were below basic
weather and traffic stories.
Beat.
RANDALL
So....that’s it?
KATE
I knew it.
RANDALL
That’s it!
CHIEF EDITOR PAULA WOODS
Thank you Erin.
The Media Quant packs up. They all wait until she leaves.
RANDALL
I don’t understand. I don’t
understand. Why aren’t people
terrified! What do we have to say?
What do we have to do?
CHIEF EDITOR PAULA WOODS
Scientists in Mexico and Spain are
currently going through the data.
And South Korea has expressed
concern.
RANDALL
Oh that’s great! South Korea.
ADUL GRELIO
Let’s not bullshit each other.
Bottom line is you told us the
science was 100% and it’s not. And
now we look like idiots.
RANDALL
No, no, you tell me who said the
science isn’t 100%-
KATE
Excuse me?
RANDALL
I want to talk to this person. You
tell me who said the science isn’t
100%.
ADUL GRELIO
Dr. Jocelyn Calder the head of NASA
just came out calling it “more near
miss astronomy hysteria.”
KATE
She’s the one who told us not to
tell anyone.
ADUL GRELIO
“More near miss hysteria!”
KATE
Is she even an astronomer?
ADUL GRELIO
She’s the head of NASA but maybe
she doesn’t know what she’s talking
about.
RANDALL
(off his phone)
Yeah, she’s the head of NASA but
she’s also a former
anesthesiologist and a President
Orlean super donor. It’s all
corupt!
CHIEF EDITOR PAULA WOODS
The point is, Adul’s right, there’s
still serious debate. And now the
Herald has egg on its face.
ADUL GRELIO
We’ve taken this story as far as it
goes. I wish you a very pleasant
end of times.
Adul leaves.
RANDALL
It’s not a goddam story ok?
Paula leaves as well. Kate and Randall are alone. Randall wipes makeup off his face with a tissue.
KATE
As of right now we have exactly six
months, ten days, two hours, 11
minutes and 41 seconds, until a
comet the size of downtown Denver
rips through our atmosphere and
extincts all life on earth.
RANDALL
When did you do those calculations?
Holds out her phone.
KATE
I put the moment of impact on a
diet app. So impact is when my diet
ends. Only I’m not on a diet, I’m
just crying five times a day.
Kate begins to cry.
RANDALL
Hey come on, come on, everyone
should be panicking right now.
Don’t cry.
KATE
I know...
A BASH push notification comes on her phone.
KATE (CONT'D)
That prick.
We see an article on Autopsy “YOU KNOW THE CRAZY GIRL WHO THINKS WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE? I ACTUALLY SLEPT WITH HER.” By Phillip Kaj.
Randall walks over to look at her phone.
RANDALL
What happened?
KATE
Well I guess my boyfriend just
broke up with me.
RANDALL
What a day.
Randall puts his arms around Kate as she continues to cry.
BASH graphics whoosh across the screen.
MONTAGE: Traffic jams on the freeway. Cells multiplying. People walking through Tokyo. An ant climbs on a twig.
KATE
You’re gonna die! And you’re gonna
die! And you’re gonna die!
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